Saturday, August 28, 2010

I would if it weren't for my legs

Earlier today I was on facebook (which can be a bit of a bummer sometimes, since it means glimpsing into other people's lives, and all the things they are able to do and enjoy, while I just sit most of the time). I came across a discussion on my news feed involving a bunch of friends of mine, people I used to hang out with regularly, and how they are planning to go out dancing tonight. At first I thought of how nice it would be to see them, and didn't I wish I could just swing by. But my body can no longer handle being squished in crowds. I would surely regret any attempt made at dancing for at least 2 or 3 days following, and would expect more pain, stiffness and fatigue than usual. Not to mention the headache would worsen. It is constant and getting worse all the time, depending on the weather, or rather the pressure in the atmosphere. I need to get my rest more than anything, or else these things become more and more intolerable.
This morning I cried while trying to hang a picture frame that had fallen off the wall, cause of the pain in my left shoulder when I lifted it, and the tingling in my fingers, and the curling, and tensing up; the strange way I am beginning to hold my arm so I don't further injure it, almost cradling it, "t-rex arm", I've been calling it.
Today a stranger told me I am lucky to be young. People are always telling me I look great. I wish looks corresponded with feelings. Dani is always saying it would be great if all the parts of me that are sore turned purple, so the doctors would actually be concerned.
Less horrible than the pain, but also scary to think about are the parts of me I just can't feel as well as I used to, the way my feet fall asleep while I am standing on them, how parts of my skin are always slightly numb. Particularly my legs, as it feels like I am always wearing knee high stockings. I find myself confused by this, wondering how the feeling in my legs can just start to disappear like this. I wonder if it's worth it to hope that it could ever return.

1 comment:

  1. I also cringe when senior people tell me that I'm lucky to be young. If they only knew I share their aches n' pains/love for A5-35/ and arthritic knees.
    Do you have a doc who is "in the know" about CMT?